


Not Tonight

by Alexalent, consideritalljoy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn - Timothy Zahn
Genre: Bullying, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Night Terrors, Self-Hatred, Xenophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2018-11-30 06:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11458284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexalent/pseuds/Alexalent, https://archiveofourown.org/users/consideritalljoy/pseuds/consideritalljoy
Summary: Eli suffers from night terrors focusing on his past and childhood as well as Thrawn and what his future with the Chiss might hold.





	1. Soul Starts Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in ages so if you have comments I'd love to hear them! Warning I did imply Child abuse so if that's going to be bad for you please don't read it. I'm planning to continue this if any of you enjoy it so again feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Also I'm aware that the ending isn't great. I may change it later. Thanks :)

Eli glanced over his shoulder at his roommate. Much to his frustration, the Chiss didn’t biologically need as much sleep as he did, so he was left lying in his bed facing the wall and hoping that Thrawn would go to bed soon. He sighed and shifted his body weight yet again. It hadn’t been like this when he’d first arrived at Royal Imperial. Initially he'd hoped that his forced companion would do something to get himself kicked out and in turn, Eli transferred back to Myomar. But the Chiss stubbornly insisted on excelling at everything he did. A few weeks in Eli had resigned himself to the fact that Thrawn wasn’t going anywhere and he was stuck. That’s when they started again.

As a kid, Eli had always had night terrors. His parents either hadn’t cared enough to mention it, or, more likely, didn’t know. He was conditioned early on not to cry, so his night terrors usually consisted of violent shaking and thrashing that often left him with bruises and cuts. Those, he could cover with clothing so that no one would ask any questions. Not that anyone would notice anyway. The night terrors had subsided soon after Eli had joined the navy. Now they had come back and he was doing all he could to hide them from his all too observant roommate.

“Eli! Eli Vanto, where are you?!” Eli turned toward the sound of his father’s voice. He had two options. He could try and hide, but his father knew the small warehouse much better than he did. Or he could come out and face the consequences of being in the building now. Considering the two, he decided that it would probably be better to just get it over with now. If he tried to get away, it would be so much worse. 

“I’m here, sir.” He stood up from behind a pile of crates his head bowed in anticipation of the harsh words he knew would come.

“What the HELL do you think you’re doing!? You know you’re not to be anywhere near the cargo!” His father loomed over him with anger in his voice. His hand was balled into a fist and slightly raised as if Eli misspoke he would get much more than a lecture.

“I’m sorry, sir! I’m…..”

Eli jolted awake, narrowly avoiding punching his roommate in the jaw as he reacted to being shaken awake. “S….sorry Thrawn.” He said shakily, adjusting back to the room they shared.

Thrawn stood from his position hunched over Eli’s bed. “My apologies for waking you, Eli, but you were shaking and muttering in your sleep. I did not know what other course of action to take but to awaken you.” He shifted slightly in a way that told Eli something was on his mind.

“What?” Eli asked, more bluntly than he intended to.

“I was just curious about what may have been going on. I’ve studied human sleep patterns and yours lately has been…. less than ideal. That on top of the sounds and motions you were making makes me wonder, is everything as it should be Cadet Vanto?” Thrawn asked, looking intently at his companion.

“I’m fine, Thrawn. I just…..” Eli’s voice trailed off and for a few seconds it seemed as if he wasn’t going to answer. After a moment, he gathered his still buzzing thoughts, “I had what are called night terrors as a kid. They were gone for a long time but, for whatever reason they’ve been back lately. Look, I don’t really want to talk about it right now, okay?” He sighed.

“I understand,” said Thrawn. He was unsatisfied with the answer, but he knew better than to push Eli when he wasn’t ready to talk about something. “In that case, why don’t you attempt to get some more rest. We can discuss the matter further in the morning.” With that he returned to his own bed and resumed reading from a data pad. Eli turned back over and drifted off back into his restless sleep.


	2. Some See A Pen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn does some research and confronts Eli about his night terrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In an attempt to keep things a bit lighter in the first chapter I described Eli in an episode that was more akin to nightmares. I attempted to reconcile that a bit with this chapter now that I have more well rounded knowledge. Sorry if it's a bit short and bland. Thanks for sticking w/ my shenanigans. Enjoy!

When Eli woke up the next morning Thrawn was nowhere to be found. Eli sighed with relief. The Chiss was usually awake long before Eli but often waited for Eli to wake before he left their room. Because of their conversation the night before, Eli was not looking forward to his next encounter with Thrawn because he knew that Thrawn would press the matter until Eli explained himself and just the thought of that made Eli feel even more exhausted than the lack of sleep had.

Eli sighed again and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He decided to skip breakfast. He wasn't particularly hungry, and, the more chance he had to avoid his inquisitive roommate, the better. 

Unfortunately for Eli, Thrawn knew his routine well enough to deduce that he would, in fact, not be joining the other cadets in the mess hall. Right as Eli was settling down with his assignments the Chiss walked into the room.

"Cadet Vanto," He said, calling Eli's attention away from his studies.

"Yes?" He sighed, expecting the inquiry that was to come.

"I have spent my morning in the library's data archives researching your "night terrors" and I have a points I would like to clarify if you do not mind."

"I suppose not." Eli muttered begrudgingly, he didn't particularly want to talk about this with Thrawn, but he knew his roommate wouldn't drop the subject until they talked.

"Excellent. Last night you described your experience as a night terror but from my reading this morning what you described seemed to be, less severe and more like a nightmare. Did I misinterpret it?" asked the Chiss frowning slightly.

"No, you didn't. Last night's episode wasn't so bad, I know because I can remember it and I can remember that we talked afterwards. I do often suffer from night terrors, but that wasn't one of them, although from what you described last night, it was very similar."

"In that case, what symptoms do you typically exhibit, and how should I act should you have an episode in the future?" Thrawn asked. 

"Well, I thrash around a lot, that's the main thing. I've read that others scream out, but I don't think I ever have. Mostly I just wake up confused and panicked, often with light injuries from hitting parts of my body on objects near me. If I do have an episode, don't try to restrain me or wake me, that will end badly for one or both of us because I might lash out at you accidentally. The best thing you can do is to move objects out of my way so that I'm relatively safe, and wait till I wake up on my own." Eli answered. He was very uncomfortable and couldn't look Thrawn in the eyes. Instead he focused on the wall behind his roommate and rubbed his arm nervously. "Really don't worry about it. I'll be fine." He tried to smile, but it came out as a weak grin.

"Very well. Thank you for the information Cadet Vanto." Thrawn said, nodding to Eli. His tone told Eli he still wasn't satisfied with the limited information he had, but he knew better than to press Eli any more. At the very least he had the means to combat this new evil if it ever showed up. That would have to suffice for now.


	3. Demons Yelling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn comes face to face with one of Eli's deepest fears in the form of a night terror episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mild xenophobia, night terrors.  
> Thanks for sticking with my story y'all! Sorry my chapters tend to be short, I just prefer to be brief and true to my writing then add a lot of fluff. As always enjoy bro-stars!

A week after his discussion with Thrawn, Eli's sleep cycle had not improved in the least. In fact, it was deteriorating. In part, that was due to the fact that he didn't want any more attention from Thrawn than he was already receiving. 

Eli sighed resignedly, he had an exam in one of his harder courses in the morning. There was no way to avoid it; he desperately needed the sleep if he wanted to perform well. Even more daunting was the knowledge that less he slept over a period of time, the worse his episodes were. There was no easy answer to his problems. His only option was to sleep and hope that somehow, force willing, the night would be uneventful.

After an hour of last minute cramming, Eli put down his data card. He had studied all he could, and now it was time to rest. If all went well he would get a full eight hours of sleep. More likely he would wake up at least once and get about six and a half. Either way it would be better than taking a test without having rested at all. Besides, then he wouldn't have to pretend to be asleep while Thrawn was in the room, even though he suspected the Chiss could tell when he was faking.

Eli blinked his eyes open as a trickle of blood ran down the side of his face from his temple. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a blue humanoid shape with glowing red eyes.

"Thrawn? Is that you?" He called as he attempted to stand. He winced and collapsed back to the floor his ankle throbbing with pain.

"Indeed it is Cadet Vanto," Said the figure, stepping into view. It was Thrawn, but something was wrong. Instead of the standard Imperial Navy cadet uniform he usually wore, he was dressed in strange military garb that looked like the Chiss uniforms his grandmother had described to him when he was a child.

Eli looked up, confused. "Wha...What are you wearing?" He asked.

"My uniform of course." Thrawn answered staring into Eli's eyes with an odd intensity, "Cadet, do you remember why you are here?" He asked, his gaze unnerving Eli.

"I don't............" Eli's voice trailed off as he realized Thrawn was holding a bloody rag. "Are you bandaging my wounds? Did we get into another fight?"

"I'm afraid not. You are aboard a ship heading for Csilla. I am merely here to interrogate you, as well as keep you decidedly docile. I was selected due to my superior breadth of knowledge on humans - particularly, for my superior knowledge of you." Answered Thrawn with an icy, but professional tone. The way that he said "you", with a lowered pitch and a emphasis on the word, frightened Eli more than anything else. "I of course told my commanding officer that you were of no value to us, but she insisted that you be interrogated nonetheless." He continued almost dismissively.

Eli could feel his fear receding into seething anger. "My parents were right! You can never trust an alien, especially a Chiss." He spat.

Before He could do anything more, Eli saw Thrawn's eyes flash and felt a sharp pain behind his eyes and blacked out.

\--

Thrawn came into the room he shared with Eli later than usual. He had been in one of the academy's dojos working on hand to hand combat training and was physically drained, but mentally sharp. Upon entering the room he noted that Eli had gone to bed, then he heard a muffled cry originating from Eli's side of the room. He moved toward it quickly, but not without caution. As he got closer he could see that things were most definitely not fine with his roommate. Eli had managed to remove all the blankets and pillows from his bed and was thrashing his arms and legs violently, as if he was trying to escape something. He could hear Eli muttering in broken, panicked basic. Most of what he could understand was unpleasant verging on xenophobic.

Suddenly Eli cried out in pain and jolted straight up in bed, his eyes shooting open. He looked around the room in a panicked frenzy and when his eyes settled on Thrawn he screamed. Thrawn knelt down beside the bed, keeping his distance as Eli had told him, and spoke in a low, clear tone, "Cadet Vanto." He called. The sound of Thrawn's voice only served to escalate Eli's madness, he moved his arms and legs erratically backing away from the sound. As he moved his left leg shot out and impacted with Thrawn's cheek which darkened and began to bruise almost immediately. Thrawn called to his companion again, more forcefully than before, "Eli. Wake up!"

Thrawn's second call broke the trance and Eli slowly came to, looking very confused. "What the........" He said shaking his head to try and clear his thoughts.

"Cadet Vanto, you are awake. Good, I was afraid I would not be able to wake you." Thrawn said, a hint of relief creeping into his voice. "I believe I have just encountered one of your, "night terrors". You came very close to doing great harm to yourself and so I intervened. As it is, you seem to have hit your head and your ankle severely enough to cause abrasions and busing. I suggest you attend to those injures promptly. I of course would be most willing to assist if you require it." Thrawn explained, not calling attention to his own wound.

"Thanks Thrawn. Sorry to be so much trouble." Eli replied his confusion melting into shame. He noticed, the bruise forming on Thrawn's head and started. "Did I?"

Thrawn considered his options, he did not wish to cause Eli any more stress than he was already experiencing, however, not telling him the truth could potentially cause more problems and distrust in the future. "Yes you did, but you are not at fault." He said finally, "I disregarded your warning on maintaining a safe distance in an attempt to wake you quickly. I will remember to heed your warnings more carefully next time. Now, if there is nothing more I can do for you, I suggest we both attempt to get some rest."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Consideritalljoy for editing stuff and just generally being an amazing person.


	4. Planning A Crash Landing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Announcement time!!  
> Up until this point, this has been Alexa's fic, but as of this chapter, Marie/consideritalljoy is coming on as a co-author. Hi, everyone! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: insomnia, night terrors, creepiness

Eli felt the distinct feeling that his life was falling to shambles and that there was nothing he could do. 

That seemed pessimistic, but it was, admittedly, a rather long list of things that only got progressively worse.

Not only was he at Royal Imperial Academy away from everything and everyone he knew, but he was also sharing a room with an alien. Not only was he sharing a room with an alien, but that alien was also the very species his people taught him to fear. Not only was that alien the very species his people taught him to fear, but he was also teaching that alien Basic in the spare time he didn't have. Not only was he teaching that alien Basic in the spare time he didn't have, but as of a week ago, he'd attacked that alien. 

Admittedly, he hadn't meant to. 

Thrawn knew that, of course. Or, Eli hoped he did. 

Either way, things couldn't go on the way they were. The number of nights Thrawn lost sleep because of Eli's own problems was unacceptable. Not only that, but Eli always woke up angry with Thrawn. He wasn't sure why, and it bothered him. 

As Eli lay awake in bed, these were the thoughts that clouded his head, holding back the fog of sleep. Thrawn only slept about four hours a night, and he was still the one getting more sleep these days. The Chiss snored slightly. Not much, but if Eli laid still enough he could just make it out. 

The light snoring comforted him, because as long as those breaths were even, Thrawn was still asleep, and nothing else could go wrong. It had, though, of course. Sleep was for the weak, Eli argued with himself. 

He couldn't quite make that logic work, though. He wished he could get himself to think it worked. Unfortunately for him, the math just wouldn't lie. Humans needed sleep. A specific number of hours of sleep. A number he wasn't getting. If he didn't get it, the course load would get harder. He could flunk out, and that wouldn't help anything. 

...That is. 

Unless it would help everything. 

He shifted positions again. No, no, Eli thought, shaking his head slightly, the dull knocking of insomnia pressing harder against his skull with the motion. He couldn't. Couldn't even consider it.

His parents were depending on him. Eli had never failed school. He couldn't start now. And besides, Thrawn was counting on him. He instinctively shivered. The word echoed around in Eli's clouded head. _Chiss._

Thrawn... that Chiss... 

The cloudiness in Eli's head got denser. His head felt like it was compressing. As his senses dulled and the cloudiness enveloped him, Eli realized he couldn't fight it this time. He wasn't sure he wanted to. For some reason, he felt like he should. Wouldn't something happen if he gave in to sleep? Something bad? 

Something that had to do with Thrawn... 

-

"Where am I?" he asked the void of white. He wasn't sure why, but he knew he couldn't move. 

"Aboard a Chiss vessel headed for Csilla," came the answer in an all-too-familiar voice. 

"Why?" he asked, already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it all the same. 

The white void parted enough to reveal Thrawn's blue. He was smiling. Had he always had fangs? "For science," he answered vaguely. "Did you really think I'd keep you near me without a plan to use you?"

"I thought I could trust you," he muttered. His heart rate was high now. His voice reflected it. He would have screamed if he wasn't so dead-set against Thrawn winning. 

"There there, cadet," Thrawn said with a distinctly false sheen of comfort. "My primary purpose is infiltration, and extraction of humans like you. You can hardly blame yourself for being taken in by years of experience and training. Now, shall we begin?"

Before he could ask what, his vision filled with nothing but red. His eyes watered immediately as the burn spread throughout his brain and intensified at the back of his head. He figured out why he couldn't move when his ankles and wrists pressed against the cuffs holding him to the white table. He pressed against the restraints harder, mind bent on one thought alone. _Kill Thrawn._

A blue hand stretched out just slightly, meters away from the table still. 

His throat constricted. He couldn't breathe. "An alien and a Jedi traitor, then," he grunted, biting back the screams. "I should have known," he shrieked. With what little breath he had left, he spewed curses at his captor and fought to break free. 

-

Two red slits illuminated the darkness. When woken abruptly, even Chiss can be groggy, and so Thrawn lay still for all of one second while he gathered his thoughts and tested his muscles. Something was wrong, and if that something was hostile, he couldn't reveal himself until he knew he would be able to defend. 

After that second, Thrawn was awake enough to realize that the hostile in question was none other than Eli again. _His tone suggests panic, much like the last time. Unlike the last time, his panicked voice sounds hoarse, as though the vocal chords are being in some way constricted. The words he uses are what he would classify as xenophobic. The reference to eyes implies xenophobia toward Chiss specifically._

Thrawn sat up and, standing, walked a few steps closer to Eli in inspection. _He thrashes about as before. His hands grasp his neck as though he were gasping for air._ Thrawn's own neck muscles tensed and his right hand slowly moved up to massage it. 

The motion was familiar in a way that evoked fear in him. That was surprising. Few things evoked fear. Thrawn's still-foggy mind worked to place it. When he remembered, his blood ran cold and his head snapped around as he scanned all possible hiding places. 

_Jedi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning Explanations  
> Insomnia: It's listed because it's described from the POV of one experiencing it and thus may be uncomfortable for some.  
> Night terrors: Self-explanatory.  
> Creepiness: nothing overtly scary really happens, but the vibe has an aura of suspense strong enough that I thought it might be nice to label it. Eli dreams of a hostile Thrawn. Thrawn fears intruders in their dark room.


	5. Dark's Not Taking Prisoners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn begins to piece together the content of Eli's nightmares. We recommend rereading chapter 4 before proceeding, but if you don't feel like taking on two chapters at once, we posted the last cliffhanger in the Author's Note below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two red slits illuminated the darkness. When woken abruptly, even Chiss can be groggy, and so Thrawn lay still for all of one second while he gathered his thoughts and tested his muscles. Something was wrong, and if that something was hostile, he couldn't reveal himself until he knew he would be able to defend. 
> 
> After that second, Thrawn was awake enough to realize that the hostile in question was none other than Eli again. _His tone suggests panic, much like the last time. Unlike the last time, his panicked voice sounds hoarse, as though the vocal chords are being in some way constricted. The words he uses are what he would classify as xenophobic. The reference to eyes implies xenophobia toward Chiss specifically._
> 
> Thrawn sat up and, standing, walked a few steps closer to Eli in inspection. _He thrashes about as before. His hands grasp his neck as though he were gasping for air._ Thrawn's own neck muscles tensed and his right hand slowly moved up to massage it. 
> 
> The motion was familiar in a way that evoked fear in him. That was surprising. Few things evoked fear. Thrawn's still-foggy mind worked to place it. When he remembered, his blood ran cold and his head snapped around as he scanned all possible hiding places. 
> 
> _Jedi._

How could a Jedi have entered their room? And why? Thrawn stopped visually scanning the room and looked back to Eli, who was still thrashing about wildly and clutching his neck with his hands. He likely didn’t have long left. 

From what Thrawn knew of Jedi, this one wouldn’t stop with Eli. At some point, he would have to make himself known. The last time Thrawn had encountered a Jedi, it had cost him. He would not make the same mistakes again. 

Thrawn took the flashlight from Eli’s desk and flicked it on, pointing it at every possible hiding space in the cramped room. Still nothing. _I will do whatever necessary to protect those who depend on me._ He moved closer to Eli’s tortured body and faced outward, placing himself between Eli and the rest of the room. 

He stepped too close. 

Eli shot up and reached out. Thrawn’s back was turned. He didn’t see what Eli was doing until it was too late. 

The hand choking him wasn’t a Jedi; it was Eli. Fresh adrenaline flooded Thrawn and he ripped the arm away with relative ease. The motion was quick and efficient but shocked Eli enough to scream. 

Thrawn stepped away and moved into an attack position between Eli and the door, using the wall between the two halves of their room as a barrier. 

Eli stopped screaming, slumped his shoulders, and looked around him in confusion, freezing when he saw Thrawn. “Thrawn? What the… hell?” _His tone conveys an equal mixture of confusion and fear. There is nothing to suggest that he means to attack again._

“Are you a Jedi?” Thrawn asked, voice low but commanding. At Eli’s dazed expression, he repeated himself more strongly. “Are you a Jedi?”

“I… No, Thrawn, I’m not. No one is. Not anymore. What happened?” Eli panted. _There is nothing in his tone or posture to indicate he is lying. The most probable conclusion is that he was asleep._

Slowly and deliberately, Thrawn lowered his arms and resumed his typical posture. “Were you having another nightmare?” 

“Oh.” Eli looked to his sheets and his facial color reddened. “I don’t remember. Did I hurt you again?” 

“Not significantly,” Thrawn said brusquely. “I am more concerned as to the damage to your own person. Before I was awakened as well as briefly after, your neck muscles were clenched in a way that indicated you could not breathe.” 

“It was probably just the nightmare again. Sorry I woke you up. And hurt you. What… happened, exactly?” Eli swapped between holding his sheets close to him and smoothing them out. _He desires to appear composed but is still experiencing fear._

“I awoke to your pained gasps and moved closer. Seeing your obvious distress, I thoughtlessly moved within melee distance, at which point you mistook me for an assailant and retaliated. I defended, and in the process seem to have woken you. I do have a few questions, if you feel you are awake enough to answer them.” 

“I mean, yeah, I guess. What?” Eli twisted his body so his back could lean against the wall. He seemed to relax a bit. 

“Do you ever remember any part of these nightmares?”

Eli shrugged with a frown. “Not really, no. Just a lot of fear, like a residual emotion maybe, but that seems obvious enough anyway.”

“Are you afraid of me?” _His visible muscles all clench simultaneously. He ceases breathing for several seconds before resuming it in measured quantities._

“Why would I be?” _His voice is decidedly cheerful; he is attempting to hide his fear._

“Given the various reactions of your peers as well as humans above you in both age and rank, your fear would be logical. They all are; it makes little sense that you are not.”

“I was kinda put off by you at first,” Eli admitted. “I mean, you did kill a bunch of stormtroopers as a first impression. I know why now, though. I don’t know. Talking with you made you seem more real and since no one else ever really does that’s probably why I’m the only one who’s not afraid.”

“Are you not afraid?” Thrawn pressed. It didn’t make sense. There was fear written across Eli’s tones, his postures, his nightmare-induced racial slurs. 

“I don’t think so. Why?” _He does not appear to be lying but he cannot be telling the truth._

That wasn’t what the broken phrases Thrawn had heard him scream in his sleep suggested. Until he was more certain Eli harbored fear, it would not be useful to discuss the matter. Further research was required. 

For the time being, there was no reason left for either of them to remain awake. “Perhaps it is nothing. For now, we ought to sleep.”

“I have a question for you, though,” Eli said almost sheepishly. 

“What is it?” Thrawn asked. 

“How do you know about the Jedi? Does it have something to do with you knowing about General Skywalker?”

Thrawn froze for a moment before regaining his composure. “That is a story for another time. For now, let us sleep.” He returned the flashlight to the desk before going back to bed.


	6. Is This Living Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli's attempts to suppress his troubles ultimately continue to breed more troubles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: self-harm, bullying, anxiety, xenophobia, anorexia

That was it: Eli was done sleeping. He'd tried, but all that came out of it was hurting Thrawn. Thrawn, the only life form on this rock that seemed to care whether or not Eli was alive and well. Not that it made any sense for him to.

He'd done the best he could, he reasoned with himself. He was eating less, avoiding people (including Thrawn) more, and even using some unconventional coping mechanisms. Nothing helped. He was jittery and angry all the time and on top of everything else, his grades were starting to slip.

Across the room, Eli could hear faint snoring. Thrawn had gone to bed about an hour before, which gave Eli three hours to devote solely to the test he had in the morning.

Cramming wouldn't do him any good. It never did. But the alternative was another night of drawing Thrawn's attention, which was not an option. Besides, he would only get three hours of sleep if he went to bed now, so realistically, he'd be more tired if he tried to sleep.

Eli stood and moved to the door. With any luck, the mess hall would be empty and still have some Caf on hand. It was midterm season, and since that meant extra testing, it also meant sleep deprived cadets in need of a boost so they could cram as much as possible. At Myonmar they would leave out fresh caf at all hours until midterms were done. Hopefully the core worlds were just as dependent on the liquid for cheating sleep.

As he rounded the corner leading to the mess hall, Eli could hear the hushed voices of at least two other cadets. He considered just leaving... but he really needed the energy boost. Besides that, the caf would help fight some of the hunger he was feeling from skipping breakfast… and dinner. Not that he was hungry, he thought, just a little tired and anxious for the test in the morning. He was fine. He would just go in quietly, get a cup of caf, and be on his way. Simple. Or at least, it should have been.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the alien's lapdog," called one of the cadets. "A little far from your master's side, aren't you, Wild Space?"

Eli groaned internally. He should have known better than to come to a common area. Why was he such an idiot? In an effort to avoid the confrontation he knew was coming, Eli lowered his head and moved quickly toward the caf station which, thank the force, was still up and running as he had hoped.

"Hey! Are you deaf, or just to dumb to talk on your own? My friend asked you a question. Do they not teach you people manners out there?" The taller of the two cadets got up from the table where the two had been studying. Eli flinched instinctively but turned to face the taller man.

"Th… they do. I mean... I'm just studying late—came to get some caf. Sorry. I didn't expect anyone else to be up at this hour." The stutter. Why the stutter? He hadn't stuttered since he was a child. Why now?

The other cadet smirked at Eli's obvious fear. "I haven't seen you around Blue Death Glare much lately. Is it because he’s trained enough to pass for near-human life yet, or just because even you have to have some kind of standard?" he asked. There was nothing in his voice but malice. He waslooking for a fight, Eli knew. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

"I've just had a lot of class work to do," he answered. "Plus transferring my records from Myonmar." The stutter was gone... but of course, the accent wasn't. In fact, it seemed to get heavier with each word. "If you'd excuse me, I'll leave y’all to study," trying to hide how frantic he was to leave. Putting the mug back in place, he stepped to the side toward the door.

The cadet moved to block Eli's exit and grabbed his wrist more tightly than was necessary to keep him in place and leaned in close to his ear. "Listen, Wild Space, let me spell it out in words you’ll understand. No one wants you here. You or that freak you came with. Take this as a hint and go back to whatever rock you came from… It’d be just awful if anything happened to you or that alien. There’s places that’ll take you, you know.” The cadet pulled Eli forward just slightly closer than Eli could really stand.

”Can’t imagine why the Empire’d put a Wild Space and an alien out of their territory like this, anyway. They’ll figure out the mistake soon. You don’t need to worry about the Empire turning you out just because you admit you don’t know right from left around here." Tugging on Eli’s arm, the cadet hooked his leg around Eli’s ankle. When the cadet suddenly dropped Eli’s arm and moved away, he stumbled to the floor.

Stepping out of the way as Eli fell, the cadet walked a few paces away and turned back. Eli looked up just in time to catch his small sniff and smirk before moving back to rejoin his classmate. It was as if Eli was never in the room at all.

Without another word or glance, Eli left the room.

He didn’t breathe again until he was back in his quarters. Just outside the door, Eli put his hand on the handle and let it all out at once. Drawing it all back in and holding his breath again, he opened the door. Holding it open just wide enough to slip through, Eli twisted his body around and held the handle as he guided the door back, shutting it silently. With the door closed, he leaned against it and slowly, quietly allowed himself to breathe.

After only a few more seconds, he made his way to his desk and sat down. Checking his datapad, he rolled his eyes at the 30 minutes the whole thing had taken out of his study time. It could have been worse. It also could have been a lot better. Why did he always do this?

He slumped his shoulders forward and rolled his sleeve back to the elbow. Holding his wrist to the faint light of the datapad, he could just make out the discoloration. Sure enough, a bruise was already forming where the cadet had grabbed him. As the light flicked off, he gritted his teeth. Good, Eli thought. He deserved it. The cadet was right, after all. Eli knew it even if Thrawn hadn’t put it together yet. Neither of them belonged there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning Explanations  
> Self-harm: Though Eli does not actively harm himself, his thoughts regarding harm done to him tend toward the same mindset.   
> Bullying: Eli is verbally abused by peers as well as mildly physically harmed by them.   
> Anxiety: Graphic descriptions of panic-ridden internal monologue and responses.   
> Xenophobia: While Thrawn is not present, jabs at his race persist, as well as jabs at Eli's homeworld.  
> Anorexia: Mentioned in passing several times. 
> 
> As always, if there is a warning not mentioned that you believe should be, or if you want to check something before reading, please feel free to comment and we will explain/resolve the issue.


	7. A Mask That Portrays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mild xenophobia, night terrors (more detail at end of chapter)

Eli’s vision filled with nothing but red. His eyes watered immediately as the burn spread throughout his brain and intensified at the back of his head. He figured out why he couldn't move when his ankles and wrists pressed against the cuffs holding him to the white table. He pressed against the restraints harder, but they held tight, digging into his wrists and nearly making them bleed. 

A blue hand stretched out just slightly, still meters away from the table.

His throat constricted. He couldn't breathe. "An alien and a Jedi traitor, then," he grunted, biting back the screams. "I should have known," he shrieked. With what little breath he had left, he spewed curses at his captor and fought to break free.

“No, Cadet, I’m no Jedi. Did you not believe the stories your grandmother told you? Honestly, I’m surprised at how easily I managed to change your mind. Nor am I a traitor, although it seems you are about to be.” Thrawn said. His cadence was cold and deliberate, as if he had all the time in the world.

Suddenly, Eli felt his arms and legs go rigid and then relax. He wanted to scream, he wanted to tear himself loose and kill Thrawn, but nothing happened. His mind sent out the commands to his muscles, but his body refused to respond. Every time he tried to fight or to move, the pain at the base of his skull intensified. Less resistance, less pain. No way out. Eli gave up and stopped struggling. Whatever this devil was going to do, he was helpless to overcome it.

Eli was drenched in sweat and panting when he sat straight up in his bed. His throat was hoarse. Had he been screaming? As he slowly regained his bearings in the room, he noticed Thrawn. The Chiss was a safe distance away, holding one of the two pillows from his bed. The other lay near where Eli’s head had been. A searing bolt of panic coursed through Eli, and without really realizing what he was doing, he moved as far from Thrawn as possible, up against the far corner of his bed. His left hand was shaking and he couldn’t seem to regain control of it.

Thrawn’s gaze was coldly analytical, and possibly even a bit nervous. “Cadet Vanto? Are you quite alright? You were having another dream, and…”

“I’m fine. Just a little shaken,” Eli interrupted.

“Are you sure? You seem… _akukhuthazake_ ”

“Disquieted,” Eli answered in a whisper so rough it surprised him.

“Thank you, disquieted. What I have observed suggests that I may be partially at fault. Cadet, do I cause you fear?” Thrawn asked with a tinge of what Eli thought might be concern.

“No, Thrawn,” Eli bit out. “ I’m not afraid of you. I just had a bad dream. I’m sorry I woke you. Please just go back to sleep,” Eli winced when he realized how harsh he sounded.

With that, Thrawn turned toward his own bed, leaving Eli utterly exhausted and completely alone. Of course he would, and who could blame him? Eli had known it was going to happen sometime. Thrawn was done trying to save him. Just another relationship Eli had utterly screwed up. Great.

\--

Cadet Vanto’s claim to not fear him was clearly false. As Thrawn stepped away from Eli’s bed and retreated back to his own, this was the thought that most permeated his mind. The obvious conclusion was that Eli was simply lying when he said that he was not afraid. While Thrawn was skilled in detecting lies, he had less experience with human responses. 

Thrawn had, however, been able to detect Eli’s lies in the past. His increase of facial heat—his “blush,” as Eli had termed it—gave him away with ease, as did his changes in tone and posture. No. Thrawn was certain that either he was skilled at detecting human liars, or Eli was simply a bad liar. Either way, Eli always seemed truthful in his claim. 

_His words when asleep fundamentally oppose those when awake._ Neither seemed a lie. Regardless of any cognitive stance, Eli’s fear was genuine, and repeatedly aimed at him. Thrawn positioned himself such that he was facing the wall, and closed his eyes, still listening the Eli’s quiet pants behind him. 

Everything he knew of humans suggested that Eli was in need of a companion in that moment, but if his fear was only increased by Thrawn’s presence, Thrawn would remain as uninvolved as possible. He was grateful for all the trainee had done to help him adjust to the Imperial Academy, even if much of that had been of Thrawn’s own design. Eli was under no obligation to do any more than translate. 

Until Thrawn knew more, the safer course of action was to allow Eli extra space and to withdraw somewhat from his life. Having made his decision, Thrawn fell back asleep. 

When Thrawn awoke, Eli was already gone from the room. The Chiss spent his morning hours attending to Academy requirements and continuing to think. Neither of Eli’s stances—the fear and the fearlessness—were lies, and yet, the two seemed mutually exclusive. 

Eli had already told him that he didn’t remember the content of his dreams. The things he said in relation to them were said in a context he didn’t remember, and may not believe when conscious. The more Thrawn considered it, the more sure he was. 

The issue of fear was yet unsolved, however. Even if Eli could not remember the content of his dreams or what parts of them he spoke aloud, that part of him existed. Even if he wasn’t aware of it, the fear was there, and it was directed at Thrawn. 

Until he knew more, risking more confrontation seemed ill-advised. Thrawn purposed to stand by his previous decision, and avoid Eli’s company, either until he knew how to approach the situation, or until Eli came to him directly. 

Eli didn’t, however. The two continued to pass each other in hallways, and neither really spoke to the other except in necessary exchanges pertaining to Academy work. Thrawn’s analysis of Eli suggested that his health was not improving, but if Thrawn himself was the source of Eli’s troubles, the simplest way to assist remained minimum contact. 

Thrawn spent the vast majority of his him away from the dorm, and the vast majority of his time away at the Academy’s vast archives. At some point, he knew, he was sure to find a more permanent solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning Explanations  
> Mild Xenophobia: The content of Eli's dream includes a strong fear and hatred for the Chiss.  
> Night Terrors: Eli continues to not know the content of his dreams, but the fear continues to be palpable. 
> 
> As always, if there is something you feel should be included as a warning that isn't here, or if you have a question to ask before reading, please feel free to comment, and I will move to resolve the matter. Thank you for reading. :)


	8. Threatening All Their Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some bullying, but I... genuinely don't think there are any trigger warnings I need to post here for this chapter... if I'm wrong in that, please do comment, and I'll add it here.

Three rotations later, Thrawn could tell with the utmost certainty that Eli had withdrawn from him. Whether from fear or for some other reason, Thrawn could not tell. 

The arrangement was not unsuitable, as Thrawn himself had intentionally withdrawn from Eli outside of their necessary interactions. Eli had merely responded in kind. Thrawn had been aware of that as a possibility when he made the decision, of course. That it had come to fruition did not please him, however. 

His newfound distance from Eli’s inner workings meant that Thrawn had to spend longer to develop his thoughts regarding a more permanent solution to Eli’s troubles. It also meant that he had more time by himself in which to analyze the data he was able to collect, as well as research what he could.

Early on, he’d come across articles that explained the human necessity of peer encouragement and verbal affirmation, and despite the divide between them, he still passed on encouragement to the best of his ability. He made contact with Eli just long enough to relay the message, and then headed back out.

Shortly after, of course, the nightmares had continued. When Thrawn woke, he left his bed and walked within easy observation of Eli, but did not go further. After the last time, Eli had made it clear that he did not desire the aid at the present time. Thrawn would ensure that minimal harm was done to him, but would not transgress Eli’s wishes—at least, not yet. 

As Eli woke, Thrawn quickly retreated, and turned to face the wall. He did not check on Eli again, and simply listened to the human pant for several minutes, mutter a few of what sounded like curses in Basic, and settle back down. The time would come for a discussion. That time was not yet upon him. There was more he needed to study. Come morning, he would.

Thrawn looked up from his position in the library. He blinked as his eyes adjusted, realizing that he hadn’t moved in several hours. The library, usually silent, was filled with indiscreet mumblings.

He looked to the front desk—the source of the noise. A couple cadets spoke to the clerk, and Thrawn could only make out broken phrases. “Just a favor.” “It’s for a good cause.” Thrawn turned back to his datapad, but caught another few phrases. Specifically, one word: “alien.”

Thrawn looked to the datapad, but continued to listen. “Acting weird.” “Wild Space nowhere around.” “Perfect chance.” “Backtrace.”

 _They wish to know what I study. They could easily be led to Eli._ The last thing the human needed was to attract such attention, and so the best option would be to attract attention himself, if necessary. Having decided that, Thrawn deemed it safe to go back to studying, provided he remained aware of the threat in his vicinity. 

His text was a large manual, listing every cognitive illness that humans could contract. For each, he clicked through five or six separate articles that detailed studies surrounding those affects, and evaluated each of their symptoms against Eli’s recent behavior. 

If the cadets backtraced the texts he’d accessed, they would quickly find the text. From their snickers and continued broken phrases, Thrawn drew the conclusion that they already had. They did not stay long before filing back out, casting glances to Thrawn as they went. Thrawn held eye contact with one—the one who appeared to be the leader—for a fraction of a second before dropping his gaze back to his text. 

When he had finished for the day, Thrawn logged out of the shared datapad and simply left. No actions had been taken, either on his part or on theirs, toward a confrontation. Until such a confrontation occurred, Thrawn would observe, but did not wish to attack. 

Preemptive attacks were at times necessary, as his military experience could attest. They were a final recourse, and not a first impulse. These were simple cadets. There was a chance they would do nothing. Insults, Thrawn was more than equipped to handle. Anything more, and they would risk facing Commandant Deenlark. 

Thrawn was walking back to his dorm when the corridor went black. His eyes shone red in the darkness, but he could only see about a few centimeters out. Everything past that was black. There weren’t even any heat signatures.

 _Emergency lights have not engaged, suggesting that the building is not in danger._

From somewhere beyond the corridor, a woman screamed. 

Thrawn ran toward the sound, still looking around for any heat signatures. There were none, and about halfway down the corridor, a bright red light flashed in his eyes for a fraction of a second. So quick that Thrawn hardly perceived it. He slowed his pace and blinked rapidly several times, and then picked his pace back up. 

The red light flashed again, several times over the course of a pair of seconds, and Thrawn’s head pounded from the headache it caused. He stopped long enough to shut his eyes until the stinging subdued, and then kept running when the woman screamed again. 

In the darkness, he miscalculated his trajectory and collided with the right-side wall several times as he continued through the disorientation and headache. _I will do whatever necessary to protect those who depend on me._

The situation was an odd one. Had the woman been targeted in isolation? Was that why the lights had gone dark? The red light was troublesome, if that were the case. That was directed at Thrawn alone. 

He reached the end of the corridor and instantly shut his eyes as his headache flared. Thrawn leaned against the wall for support, and he concentrated on regaining his bearings. 

Had everything gone blindingly white again, or was his headache simply worsening? Thrawn steadied himself for a second and, hand still anchored to the wall, opened his eyes. 

The corridor was lit as normal. _The sudden light adjustment must have caused the migraine symptoms._ But where was the woman? Cadets filed through and pushed past him, all exactly as normal. Thrawn checked behind him. The corridor from which he had come was lit as normal as well. 

A cadet moved within an inch or two of him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, moron,” he said, without as much malice as the cadets usually addressed him with, but clearly annoyed nonetheless. “You got a problem here?”

Thrawn let his hand leave the wall and drop to his side as he composed himself more fully. This was a cadet he recognized, though he could not remember how. More than likely, he had made trouble for either himself or for Eli in the past. Despite his posturing, he was likely not an ally. In fact… _The library._ That was where he was from. This was one of the cadets who had backtraced his research. 

“Have you noticed any women in distress in this area? I thought I heard something,” Thrawn asked. More plausibly, the voice had been a pre-recorded one, and the event fabricated by this cadet and his allies. The cadet’s response would solidify the theory. 

“What? No, no, no distress. Are you sure you’re okay, cadet?” _He is the one who made eye contact with me earlier. The expression in his eyes betrays him. He is the aggressor._ The cadet tightened his grip on Thrawn, and two more cadets came to flank him. 

“We wouldn’t want to leave a cadet without sufficient support,” the cadet continued. “O’mtar, alert higher command that we have a distressed cadet with us and will need immediate assistance.” He didn’t let go of Thrawn’s shoulder. “You’re going to be alright,” the cadet told him with a sneer. 

Thrawn did not respond. With him involved, he had little doubt the matter would be taken directly to Commandant Deenlark, whether these cadets knew it or not. They acted swiftly and cleverly, giving him no time to formulate a defense or counterstrike. Without Eli’s presence as a placater, Thrawn had been aware that he would become more of a target. Eli’s assessment back when they first arrived to Royal Imperial had only ever proven correct. 

Two stormtroopers came, and the cadet released Thrawn long enough for the stormtroopers to lead him straight to Commandant Deenlark. As the other cadets slowly learned where they were really headed, and that no lower-level officer would be taking point, their faces went slowly pale.

Within minutes, the four were seated directly across from Commandant Deenlark’s desk. Thrawn’s accusers shrank under the Commandant’s glare. There was little he could do to these cadets, regardless of the outcome, of course—prestige granted such exemption. The Commandant would know better than to assume their story was true, but he would likely be disposed to accept their explanation anyway. 

The Commandant looked to the leader of the three cadets, and spared a few glances to Thrawn intermittently. “Gentlemen. What brings you here?”

The leader spoke. “Sir, we have some concerns about this cadet,” the cadet said with a mask of sincerity that almost succeeded in hiding the contempt behind it. He held out his datapad. “These are all symptoms that Cadet Thrawn has been seen exhibiting. We worry there may be something cognitively wrong, and would not wish for any cadet to suffer unfairly.”

The Commandant accepted the datapad. “This is quite the list. Detatchment, paranoia, hallucinations, impaired motor coordination… I hope you realize that such a list will not result in any immediate action. Cadet Thrawn seems mentally stable at present. Do you have proof of these claims?”

“If I may, Commandant,” Thrawn said. Commandant Deenlark looked to him expectedly. “I have not viewed the list on that datapad, but I believe I am acquainted with the contents. I am a newcomer to the core worlds, and as such, I have taken the liberty of doing extra research beyond what is covered in courses here. Recently, I have studied human cognitive health. I did so today. The cadets who brought me to you now saw me researching this subject, and it is my belief that they used a list of cognitive illnesses to create a false scenario, which would make it appear as though I were a victim.”

The lead cadet spoke up. “Um, sir? You’ll see, toward the middle of the list there—persecutory delusions, sir. A common symptom of several different illnesses. See what I mean, sir?”

Commandant Deenlark set the datapad down and surveyed the cadets in front of him. “I do see. At the very least, I see no reason not to give Cadet Thrawn a psych eval, and plenty of reason to do so. Of course, while undergoing this procedure, you will be confined to the med bay. If all goes well, you should only lose a day or two.”

“I will endeavor to catch back up quickly,” Thrawn replied. 

“But Commandant, what if a psych eval isn’t enough? Cadet Thrawn has periods of appearing sane, as you see him now. If he acts like this in that eval, he’ll come out looking normal. Nothing on that list is normal, sir.”

“Yeah,” said another, the one called O’mtar. “One or two days won’t be enough. It took us a long time to notice all the stuff on that list. You may need to detain him for much longer than that, sir. I know I wouldn’t feel safe with him on the loose, and I’m sure I speak for a lot of cadets in that.”

The other two cadets nodded solemnly in response. Commandant Deenlark sighed. _His facial expression remains unchanged, save for a slight downward curve to his lip. His shoulders more forward and down slightly. He does not wish to appear weak, but he intends to capitulate to whatever he must._

If the issue were logic, Thrawn could easily argue his way out. The issue, however, had more to do with influence, and there, Thrawn was easily outmatched. Even taking that disadvantage into account, there was a chance he could regain the upper hand in argumentation, under normal circumstances. These were not normal circumstances—the cadets had made sure of that. Anything Thrawn said was held as proof of another delusion. 

The alternative was to take the suggested long-term psych eval without question and to hope that he could catch up once he had been cleared. Such an option assumed that he would be cleared, and would not become another casualty of political influence. He would be away from his studies long enough to give even he trouble graduating, and perhaps worst of all, he would be away from Eli for far too long. 

“I do not believe such a long testing process to be necessary,” Thrawn said at last. “The psychological evaluations performed by the Empire are renown for their accuracy. It would be implausible for me to pass such a test falsely.”

The Commandant looked back to him. “Your faith in our medical staff is well founded, but the cadets are right in that you seem unaffected by any of these afflictions right now. Two tests will need to be conducted—one while you are in this state, and one while you are experiencing an episode. After that, the tests will have to be further evaluated to ensure that you do not pose a danger to yourself or others. Student safety is our top priority here at Royal Imperial Academy.” 

The cadets’ expressions held anticipation and excitement, accompanied by a not-insignificant level of self-satisfaction. Thrawn did not reply. For a moment, no one did. 

Eli opened the door and stepped in. Shocked faces turned to stare. _His face is pale and his pupils are small. His hand shakes as he closes the door behind him, and his voice falters, but he does not stop._ “Commandant Deenlark, I’m sorry if I’m breaking protocol, I got the memo a little late, but as Cadet Thrawn’s translator, it seemed right for me to attend this meeting. Sorry.”

“Yes,” the Commandant replied, eyeing Eli up and down and squinting just a little. “Though Cadet Thrawn seemed to have little trouble communicating in your absence. I have a list of the symptoms he has been allegedly exhibiting here. Unless you can present compelling evidence in favor of his health, I will have no choice but to assign him to an extended psych eval.”

Eli froze for a few seconds before speaking slowly. “With respect, sir, they can be easily explained. May I see the list?” The datapad was passed to him, and Eli spent a few seconds chewing his lip as he read.

When he looked back up, it was with a little more confidence, hidden by a mask of sheepishness. “Well, sir, this is a little embarrassing, but I really can explain pretty much everything here,” he said. 

Thrawn did not allow his body to betray his surprise. After their comparatively lengthy separation, he would not have expected Eli’s loyalty to run so deep as to shift blame onto himself in such a manner. _His left arm remains constricted to his side, while the right moves freely. He is likely in pain, but hides it with skill._

“Can you now? Go on, then,” the Commandant urged. The cadets scowled up at Eli. 

Eli gulped, but spoke. “Well, sir, firstly, with the big test coming up next week, we’ve both been studying more. He needs translating help, see, so there’s a lot that we have to do together. And we end up doing it pretty late. So that’s where the fatigue is coming from. And, all due respect but, any grievances against Cadet Thrawn’s speaking ability are just due to learning Basic. And the paranoia and persecutory delusion just makes sense, don’t it? I mean, he’s here, getting called out for things he can’t really help. Seems like the persecution isn’t really delusional. To a degree. Sir.”

“Go on,” Commandant Deenlark ordered with a wave of his hand. 

Eli nodded and sucked in more air. “There’s a couple here about how he don’t have emotions. Well sir, I just don’t think that’s true. He maybe doesn’t show them that much, but we don’t know much about the Chiss race, either. Maybe that’s just how they do it back on their homeworld. That and the social isolation are all explained by being the only non-human here.”

The lead cadet huffed loudly. “Okay, genius, but what about the hallucinations, huh? And hearing voices that aren’t there?”

“Oh, those ones are simple,” Eli answered, turning to him. “Come on now. You’re making those up.”

“Am not! Commandant, this cadet just accused me of lying to you!” 

Eli held up his hands, palms facing out. “Okay, okay. Let’s not jump to conclusions. I do have a question to ask you, though. Please tell me you were at least smart enough to dismantle the security cams during your show.” The cadets’ mouths opened in shock and burned in anger, but Eli smirked as he continued. “Because if you didn’t, this would all just be way too easy for me.”

None of the cadets spoke up. _They acted quickly. They could easily have overlooked the practical side to their prank. From their silence, one might surmise that this is, indeed, the case._ Eli had guessed the truth remarkably quickly. 

“Cadet Vanto introduces a good point,” Commandant Deenlark said. “Our security cams would naturally pick up any unusual activity. If you have specific times you think would be good places to start searching the cam archives for, speak up now.”

The cadets remained silent. Slowly, the leader spoke. “I think you’ll find Cadet Thrawn’s, um, indiscretions are subtle enough to not be picked up on cams.”

“Okay but now see, that just don’t match your story, does it?” Eli pressed. “A minute ago, you were talking about hallucinations. Bad coordination. Insanity. None of that is subtle. So which is it?”

“It was subtle,” the cadet repeated. 

Eli smirked. Commandant Deenlark handed the datapad back. “If you feel unsafe, I will order that the cam recordings be searched. Otherwise, I believe you all are dismissed.”

The cadets filed angrily out, leaving Thrawn and Eli with Commandant Deenlark. “Sorry for the disruption, sir. I don’t think it’ll be a problem again,” Eli told him. 

“You are dismissed, cadets,” Commandant Deenlark told them. The two filed out, and both headed directly back to their shared dorm, though neither spoke. 

Thrawn glanced to Eli when he believed the human wasn’t looking. _He remains pale, and his skin sags slightly, likely the result of lack of nourishment and sleep. His left arm’s heat signature is raised significantly. His eyes move incessantly and his focus continually shifts, as if restless. His eyes never fall on me._ Actually, Eli had managed to hold that entire conversation without looking at or addressing Thrawn even once. 

“Thank you, Cadet Vanto,” Thrawn said as they walked. 

“What? Oh, well. It was nothing.”

“I disagree. The alternative would have been disagreeable to me. You aid is greatly appreciated.”

“Well, I… well, thanks. I told you it could get rough here. People around here don’t trust aliens much.”

Thrawn nodded, though Eli still wasn’t looking. “So I have observed. In your view, could an individual learn to counter their distrust, if that belief were proven incorrect?”

Eli glanced up at him just once before answering with carefully chosen wording. “Well, yes, I think so. After a while. It’s hard to go against that much conditioning, but, sure, it can be done. Those guys probably won’t be among them, but, it can be done.” 

The two reached their dorm, and Eli opened the door for both of them. “Is that smoke? Are you aware of the cause?” Thrawn asked. 

Eli turned his face away in order to close the door. “No,” he said, immediately heading for his desk. “No idea.” _His tonal shift and sudden facial heat indicates a lie._

The human had already spoken to Thrawn more in the last five minutes than he had within the last few days. Strategy took time, Thrawn reminded himself, and so he did not pursue the lie. It would come out on its own, one day. Soon.


	9. Set the Soul on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: self-harm (graphic), night terrors  
> See end of chapter for more detail.

Thrawn was avoiding Eli. It was subtle, but Eli noticed when he stopped having to avoid Thrawn in order to avoid sleep or food. He knew that he’d done something after his last episode, but he hadn’t realized it would be this bad. The thought made Eli shake his head. Less than a month ago he would have given anything to be rid of the Chiss. He’d get his life back. Why was it that, now that Thrawn was creating the distance he had so desperately hoped for, Eli felt like he’d failed somehow?

Eli sighed and pushed his chair back from his desk. It was his fault that Thrawn didn’t want to have anything to do with him. Besides, they were never going to be real friends anyway. He just needed a translator and Eli was conveniently there. Eli had just been stupid enough to let himself get attached. He shook his head again, stretched, and pulled up a new page on his datapad. Worrying about what he did or didn’t do was not going to help anything—he needed to study. Eli’s classes on Myomar had been much easier. But then again, those classes had all been supply-related. He scrolled for a few minutes but couldn’t really focus on the words. He was much too tired to concentrate, but he couldn’t risk sleep either. On top of everything else, he had burned the one bridge he had here at Royal Imperial, and sleep was the part of the problem he could actually fix. 

Eli set his datapad back on his desk and rubbed his left arm. It had been hurting a lot more than usual. Though with all the stress he had been under lately, that didn’t really surprise him. He reached for his bottom desk drawer, but right as he was about to open it, he heard the door open. In a sudden flurry, he slammed the drawer closed and steadied himself for company.

“Cadet Vanto? Are you here?” 

Eli hurredly slid into his desk and picked up the datapad. “Yeah, Thrawn. Do you need something?” Eli tried to mimic his normal tone of voice. He almost succeeded in matching it.

“There is nothing I require at the moment, Cadet. I have just have something I have been meaning to say. I know you do not think that Royal Imperial is where you are meant to be. I disagree. I see potential in you, Cadet Vanto. Don’t forget that.” Thrawn said, staring unblinking into Eli’s eyes. It was a bit unnerving.

“Um? Thank… you?” 

“Of course. Now, I must go back to my studies.” With that, Thrawn was gone.

-

Eli’s vision filled with nothing but red. His eyes watered immediately as the burn spread throughout his brain and intensified at the back of his head. He figured out why he couldn't move when his ankles and wrists pressed against the cuffs holding him to the white table. He pressed against the restraints harder, but they held tight, digging into his wrists and nearly making them bleed. 

A blue hand stretched out just slightly, still meters away from the table.

His throat constricted. He couldn't breathe. "An alien and a Jedi traitor, then," he grunted, biting back the screams. "I should have known," he shrieked. With what little breath he had left, he spewed curses at his captor and fought to break free.

“No, Cadet, I’m no Jedi. Did you not believe the stories your grandmother told you? Honestly, I’m surprised at how easily I managed to change your mind. Nor am I a traitor, although it seems you are about to be.” Thrawn said. His cadence was cold and deliberate, as if he had all the time in the world.

Suddenly, Eli felt his arms and legs go rigid and then relax. He wanted to scream, he wanted to tear himself loose and kill Thrawn, but nothing happened. His mind sent out the commands to his muscles, but his body refused to respond. Every time he tried to fight or to move, the pain at the base of his skull intensified. Less resistance, less pain. No way out. Eli gave up and stopped struggling. Whatever this devil was going to do, he was helpless to overcome it.

“Now, to unlock the potential you have within you. This will be much easier for both of us if you do not resist,” Thrawn said, his gaze somehow becoming more intense. 

Eli felt a searing pain and passed out. When he came to, he was no longer in the same room. He was in a small room almost akin to a med bay, but with a large mirror and designed for one person—a prisoner? ...Or a test subject. The thought made Eli shudder. He sat up, and as he did the small tray of food that was in front of the door flew into the wall as if propelled by a powerful force.

Eli paled. Did he do that? That couldn’t be right. But no one else was in the room. Maybe there was some sort of string or wire? He rose to his feet and went to investigate. He did not find anything attached to the plate. By all accounts it was a standard issue, military-style plate. Which left only one conclusion. He had indeed moved the plate. But how? The only people he had ever heard of being able to move things without physically touching them were… No. He wasn’t a Jedi. It wasn’t possible. He would have known when he was much younger.

The door opened. Thrawn stepped in pulling a restrained Imperial officer behind him. Was that Spenc Orbar? Eli supposed it made sense. The Chiss never forgot and injury done to them. 

But why bring him into Eli’s “cell”? Before Eli could think anymore, his vision went red and his arm shot up. Simultaneously, Orbar rose about a foot into the air. He gasped for air and Eli knew that he was somehow cutting off the oxygen from his fellow officer, but he couldn’t stop. All he could do was watch the life slowly drain from Orbar’s face until the other man went limp. Dead.

Thrawn made a note on his data pad and then exited the room without a word. Leaving Orbar’s lifeless form on the floor. Eli was too terrified to go near it, so he just huddled on his cot until the door opened again. This time the only figures to step into the room were his parents. Both looked terrified, and Eli suspected that they had seen the whole thing. He took a breath to explain that it wasn’t him. He hadn’t killed Orbar. It was that damn Chiss. But before he could, his throat closed up and he felt his arm begin to move.

Eli’s desk chair toppled over and he hit his head on the hard floor below. He was drenched in sweat and felt his entire left arm shaking uncontrollably. Thrawn was nowhere in sight, but he could see a faint red glow coming from the other side of the short wall that divided their split double. Eli almost called out to him but thought better of it. Thrawn had obviously given up on him, and he was too afraid to anyway. Better just let well enough alone and deal with it on his own terms the next time Thrawn left the room.

An hour later Eli got his wish. Eli heard Thrawn get up and walk to the door, which opened and closed. He waited for another ten minutes and then frantically opened his bottom drawer, which in itself was a task, because his arm would not stop shaking.  
Yeah   
There. There they were, exactly where he had left them. Eli’s fingers wrapped around a small rectangular box. His matches from home. Just holding the box calmed him a little. Enough to make his arm steady at least. Unfortunately that meant that the only thing left for Eli to focus on was the dull ache under his skin.

He set the box on his desk and rolled up the sleeve of his uniform, wincing a bit at the sight of the pock mark scars that lined his arm. He deserved them though, and it was a fantastic way to make the pain go away. His carefully slid the matchbox open and pulled out six matches—best to start small—and noted that the box was running low. He would have to dig out his emergency box soon. He struck the first and watched the flames dance for a few precious seconds before pressing the match onto his arm twice in quick succession. Both times pain seared up his arm, but with it came a kind of euphoria and clarity. Exactly what he was looking for.

He repeated the ritual with the rest of the matches he had pulled from the box and was about to pull more out when his comm beeped.

“Hey, Wild Space,” the voice said. “I hear your big bumbling blue friend has got himself into some serious trouble with Deenlark. You might want to go and save him. Unless you want to get knocked back into whatever backwater hole you crawled out of.”

Before he could respond, the mystery caller hung up, leaving Eli to wonder what he was supposed to do. He could let Thrawn handle whatever mess he had gotten himself into, but that might end up with Eli going down with him. And, like it or not, Thrawn was the closest thing to a friend Eli had here on Coruscant. He couldn’t really afford to lose what little of that friendship he had left even if he couldn’t fix it.

Five minutes later Eli was standing outside Commandant Deenlark’s office cursing himself for getting into this situation. Hadn’t he done enough for the damn Chiss? But Thrawn needed him, and for all his faults, he had been there for Eli. Now it was time for Eli to return the favor.

Eli took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped into the office. He was immediately greeted by five sets of eyes all staring at him.The sudden attention set off the all too familiar tremor in his hand, and when he spoke, it was with far less confidence than he had hoped. “Commandant Deenlark, I’m sorry if I’m breaking protocol, I got the memo a little late, but as Cadet Thrawn’s translator, it seemed right for me to attend this meeting. Sorry.”

“Yes,” the Commandant replied, his gaze making Eli feel like a trapped animal. “Though Cadet Thrawn seemed to have little trouble communicating in your absence. I have a list of the symptoms he has been allegedly exhibiting here. Unless you can present compelling evidence in favor of his health, I will have no choice but to assign him to an extended psych eval.”

Eli froze. A psych eval would be horrible for both of them. Especially if he was expected to go with Thrawn, which, with his luck, he would be. “With respect, sir, they can be easily explained. May I see the list?” The datapad was passed to him, and Eli spent a few seconds chewing his lip and trying not to panic. The list was bad but shouldn’t be too difficult to deal with. Thrawn obviously didn’t present most of the symptoms listed, and the ones he almost did were easily explained.

After composing himself to the best of his ability, he looked up, not fully in control of his expression, but with growing confidence.“Well, sir, this is a little embarrassing, but I really can explain pretty much everything here,” he said. 

Thrawn shifted in his peripheral vision, but Eli didn’t acknowledge him. His focus remained on Deenlark.

“Can you now? Go on, then,” the Commandant urged. The cadets scowled up at Eli. 

Eli gulped, but spoke. “Well, sir, firstly, with the big test coming up next week, we’ve both been studying more. He needs translating help, see, so there’s a lot that we have to do together. And we end up doing it pretty late. So that’s where the fatigue is coming from. And, all due respect but, any grievances against Cadet Thrawn’s speaking ability are just due to learning Basic. And the paranoia and persecutory delusion just makes sense, don’t it? I mean, he’s here, getting called out for things he can’t really help. Seems like the persecution isn’t really delusional. To a degree. Sir.”

“Go on,” Commandant Deenlark ordered with a wave of his hand. 

Eli nodded and took a deep breath, settling his nerves. “There’s a couple here about how he don’t have emotions. Well sir, I just don’t think that’s true. He maybe doesn’t show them that much, but we don’t know much about the Chiss race, either. Maybe that’s just how they do it back on their homeworld. That and the social isolation are all explained by being the only non-human here.”

The lead cadet huffed loudly. “Okay, genius, but what about the hallucinations, huh? And hearing voices that aren’t there?”

“Oh, those ones are simple,” Eli answered, turning to him. “Come on now. You’re making those up.”

“Am not! Commandant, this cadet just accused me of lying to you!” 

Eli held up his hands, palms facing out. “Okay, okay. Let’s not jump to conclusions. I do have a question to ask you, though. Please tell me you were at least smart enough to dismantle the security cams during your show.” The cadets’ mouths opened in shock and burned in anger, but Eli smirked. Obviously, they hadn’t. “Because if you didn’t, this would all just be way too easy for me.” It had been a guess, but their inability to respond made it clear that he had been right.

“Cadet Vanto introduces a good point,” Commandant Deenlark said. “Our security cams would naturally pick up any unusual activity. If you have specific times you think would be good places to start searching the cam archives for, speak up now.”

The cadets remained silent. Slowly, the leader spoke. “I think you’ll find Cadet Thrawn’s, um, indiscretions are subtle enough to not be picked up on cams.”

“Okay but now see, that just don’t match your story, does it?” Eli pressed. “A minute ago, you were talking about hallucinations. Bad coordination. Insanity. None of that is subtle. So which is it?”

“It was subtle,” the cadet repeated. 

Eli smirked again. Commandant Deenlark handed the datapad back. “If you feel unsafe, I will order that the cam recordings be searched. Otherwise, I believe you all are dismissed.”

The cadets filed angrily out, leaving Thrawn and Eli with Commandant Deenlark. “Sorry for the disruption, sir. I don’t think it’ll be a problem again,” Eli told him.

“You are dismissed, cadets,” Commandant Deenlark told them. The two filed out, and both headed directly back to their shared dorm, though neither spoke. 

After a while Thrawn broke the silence. “Thank you, Cadet Vanto.”

“What? Oh, well. It was nothing.”

“I disagree. The alternative would have been disagreeable to me. You aid is greatly appreciated.”

“Well, I… well, thanks. I told you it could get rough here. People around here don’t trust aliens much.”

Thrawn nodded, though Eli still wasn’t looking. “So I have observed. In your view, could an individual learn to counter their distrust, if that belief were proven incorrect?”

Eli glanced up at him uncomfortably. Why couldn’t Thrawn just leave him to think? “Well, yes, I think so. After a while. It’s hard to go against that much conditioning, but, sure, it can be done. Those guys probably won’t be among them, but, it can be done.” 

The two reached their dorm, and Eli opened the door for both of them, wanting to be the first one through and to his desk. “Is that smoke? Are you aware of the cause?” Thrawn asked. 

Eli turned his face away in order to close the door. “No,” he said, “No idea.” It wasn’t a good lie, but with any luck Thrawn wouldn’t press him.

He say down at his desk and noticed a sheet of paper out of place with a message in small neat print. _You owe me one._ Eli sighed and crumpled it up. He put it in the second trash receptacle that he used for matches. Probably best if Thrawn didn’t see the paper; he’d likely ask questions. 

Eli rubbed the fresh burn marks under his sleeve and then opened his datapad to where he had left off to deal with Thrawn. He’d have to be more careful about timing in the future, but for now, the less Thrawn knew, the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning Explanations  
> Self-harm: A POV character experiences the urge to self-harm as pains in his arm, which he relieves via match burns.  
> Night terrors: We're in the POV of someone experiencing a night terror, which can get a bit intense. 
> 
> Once again, if I've missed anything or you're not sure about something, feel free to comment with any questions or suggestions.


	10. The Sun's Blood

Thrawn looked up from his datapad, and after a few quiet moments of thought, logged out and left it on the library table. 

He walked back through the corridors, and this time, nothing happened. Of course, something else inevitably would rise to take the place of those specific cadets. Something would always happen, whether the conflict came in the form of hostile cadets, or Eli himself. 

After extensive research regarding human health, Thrawn compared his findings with his primary case study: Eli. As expected, he found the information regarding humans to be accurate in Eli’s case. However, Eli did not match the information regarding human health; rather, he more closely resembled humans under stress. 

His roommate was not adhering to well-known requirements of human health. The behavior had started shortly after arriving at the academy, and had only continued to increase. Since the pair’s separation, the list of Eli’s symptoms only continued to rise. 

The correlation to the academy was undeniable, though the cause was undefinable without Eli’s confirmation. Eli was not likely to initiate such a dialogue, and so the task would fall to him. Eli would resist, of course. He would have to be persuaded. 

Thrawn entered the dorm room he shared with Eli, and sat silently at his desk. He skimmed a final article; one that spoke of human digestive health. He stood and moved toward the door. 

One last test. Then, he would be sure. 

Thrawn turned to see Eli bent over his desk. _His eyes narrow to a squint, and the blood veins within them are enlarged with the strain of reading._ He did not react to Thrawn’s presence. Thrawn spoke. “Would you like to join me in going to the mess hall?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic acts as a prequel to [**An Illness of the Mind**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11399307).
> 
> Thank you all for reading and enjoying this fic, inconsistent posting schedules and all. Despite the numerous hiatuses, it's been genuinely enjoyable to write, and both co-authors appreciate the response we've received.


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